Parent Resource 11 Nov 2011 v5 

Click the subheading to open an 8-page PDF  list of help services for parents of teens and young adults in the Nelson / Tasman region (NZ).   
It contains local services’ contact details, 0800 phone services and websites under the following topics:

• Mental & Emotional Health 
• Legal Issues
• Physical / Learning Barriers
• Alcohol and Other Drugs
• Health / Sexual Health / Teens as Parents
• Social Wellbeing

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Connecting with your kids, Parenting into the future

Held at Motueka High School Staff Room, Monday 27 July 2009 7pm-8:30pm

The following questions were submitted anonymously by parents/caregivers or young people. The responses are given from a panel of experts made up of a School Counselor, Alcohol and other Drug Counselors, Family/Relationship Coach, Life Coaches and Young People (aged 14 years and 19 years) Disclaimer: Responses to the questions below are that of the particular expert panel members and do not necessarily reflect the opinion of Health Action Trust.

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I am a sole parent who has had a breakdown of trust with my teenage daughter. No matter what I say, she thinks I’m conspiring against her to ruin her life. Is it something I have done or is this a ‘normal phase’ she is going through?

Life Coach Response:

It is normal that teenagers often accuse a parent of trying to interfere in their life when, as parents we feel we are merely trying to maintain some safe boundaries for them. Just being a caring parent can be enough to make a teen think we are conspiring against them.
Be aware they are questioning everything as their brain function develops and they mature. You could do some research to understand what is going on for your daughter as she matures into an adult:
Basically their brain is being flooded with chemicals which enable them to create new thought processes that were previously not possible as children. They can think in abstract ways and consider themselves and how they fit in the world. It is quite incredible all the changes that are taking place mentally and physically and emotionally in such a short time frame.

Some points to consider:

• Now that she is a teenager you have had 12 years of input. Do not underestimate everything that you have given her to date.
• You have done a great job raising her to this stage of her life where she is able to start thinking for herself as she develops in to a young adult. Well done you!
• Do not allow her reactions to what you say or do mean something about you personally or your ability to parent. Judging yourself as a bad parent helps no-one. It is usually nothing in particular you have done.
• Talk to other mothers of teenagers – this helps you realize you are not alone and you can compare positive strategies with other parents.
• Be respectful of her increasing ability to make decisions for herself. Human beings learn more by doing than by being told. (It was fun when we were young wasn’t it?)
• Be firm with boundaries when you feel activities or behaviors are unsafe or inappropriate for her age, and yet allow her to make choices over some areas of her life.
• If trust is broken by either of you it will take time to rebuild. Trust between two human beings cannot be forced.
• Be kind to yourself.

Our son has been getting into trouble at school and we suspect it is because he is mixing with the wrong group of kids. We can smell smoke on him as well as alcohol when he gets home from school. What can we do to stop this?

Youth Response:

You can’t stop him from doing these things but you can encourage him to have some better friends which will help him make the decision himself. You can’t force him because that could set him off to do more wrong.

• You could introduce him to some of your friends children who go to his school which will encourage him to befriend some better people and help him fit into a better crowd. By doing this he might stop the smoking and drinking through the influence of his new friends. Encourage him to do more in and out of school like sports.
• Or do things with your son that make him feel you are there for him and not there to tell him what to do.
• Guide him in life.
• Befriend his friends and their parents. Talk to them and see if they have issues & what they do.
• It’s hard to make new friends in a teenage year, but if it comes to a point where his mates are pressuring him then it would be good to talk in a friend like manner – not a mum one.
• Guide him to look for people that can like him for him.

Life Coach Response:

How much time do you have to spend with the children? How much effort is made to get them into other activities?
Research has shown that teenagers are influenced by their parents almost as much as they are influenced by their peers.
Are there some ways you can enjoy your children’s company?
What other interests does the teenager have and are there ways you can get alongside them and help them create other healthy connections in the family or community?